Rex Rules, Remember I Told You

At last, after my slating of the chef with the stupid hair, Rex has stood up to Alex. Somebody had to do it, didn't they? He finally had enough of the bullying and decided to fight back and wind her up, our nation salutes you, Rex. However, you're still a daddy's boy and a cunt.

Before getting back to all of the Rex vs. Alex carry on, I'd better let you know what's been happening over the past few days. The first shopping task has now been completed, with the task being in two parts. Firstly, they all had to dress up in mad Lycra suits, which didn't exactly flatter a few people. Fat Yoko looked like a fucking post box wearing Dennis Taylor's glasses, and I can only imagine how difficult it must've been for Mario to get into his, what with his entire left side being numb due to several strokes. I'm also unsure where Lisa tucked her meat and two veg, but she did a convincing job. The task was basically a veritable mash up of camels toes and cock pouches, great television.

So they're all lined up, looking like what I can only describe as them shit wrestlers from the 80's who had no identity at all and weren't good enough to get free steroids and suntans, they just had to dress up in these awful body suits with their guts hanging out and get fucked up off the Ultimate Warrior, either them, or those magicians who are daring enough to "Break the Magician's Code" on them television programmes. Each housemate had to hold up a board thing above their head for as long as possible, but if they got tired they were out, or if the board thing dropped below a certain level they were out, so Dennis the homosexual performance artist and Rachel the trainee teacher who is going dramatically bald, were the winners. This meant that they were the most "persistent". I could think of a few other things as well, but if they want to go with "persistent" then that's fair enough. I was thinking more along the lines of the most "pointless cunts" or most "fucking shite", anyhow, I'm not the producer so let them get on.

As this was the first part of the task, Dennis and Rachel were rewarded a picnic for their efforts - which they didn't eat as they thought it was a trick, you stupid pointless cunts. In other news, stroke victim rounded the troops up to give them all an informational talk on Health and Safety within the house. He hadn't actually been instructed to do this, he just took it upon himself. He even threw that line in that patronising cunts come out with, "I'm obviously a bit older than the rest of you" - who gives a fuck man you horrible bell end, does that mean you've had more years than the rest of them to perfect being an out and out cock?

Again, his talk focused on Ray Charles, who he is desperately clinging on to like a barnacle on the side of a boat. Stroke victim has obviously clicked on to the fact that if he and the disabled's stick together, then he'll make the final week, they just need Darnell in their gang and they've got the full set of handicapped's. Sitting there pissing and whingeing on about how they don't play on their disability, how they just get on with life, how they don't let it affect them from living a full and active life. Full and active life? You're fucking blind man, Mikey. Can you explain that one to me? As far as I'm concerned, a full and active life involves reading and seeing things, not clinging on to walls and describing the wondrous materials and shapes you can feel as if you're Howard fucking Carter discovering Tutankhamun, it's a fucking wall man, go and cop a feel of some lasses tits, it's much more rewarding. You're a fraud anyway as far as I'm concerned. You're like that Tourette's twat who was on a few years ago, FULL. OF. SHIT. Anyone can swear their head's off, as far as I'm concerned it's called being ill mannered and not being brought up correctly, but they have to stick a "label" on it these days, don't they? Tourettes my arse, blind my arse. As far as I'm concerned, Mikey is wearing them droopy glasses you get from the joke shop but in contact lenses form. You just wait and see, he's a fucking mole. REMEMBER I TOLD YOU.

Back to the point though, Mario is determined to come across as this bloke who is so thoughtful and caring and who wants to guard Mikey because he has a disability. Just let him get on with it, man. Leave him be, he doesn't need you mollycoddling him, you fucking lopsided faced loser. Every opportunity he gets, he brings it up. "Right, the weddings off. I'm trying to make Mikey some food because he's blind and you don't understand that" What the fuck? It's like if someone tries to offer him a cup of tea, Mario jumps in, "Look, Mikey has a DISABILITY, I'm sick of people offering him hot drinks because he's BLIND, we all have to live in this house and we have to be mindful of his DISABILITY". What the fuck are you on about, you dick? Go and iron your fucking face out.

On to the proper task, and previous winners Dennis and Rachel had to take part in a giant steady hand game. Again, the housemates were dressed in their perverted wrestler suits, with transmitters attached to their arses. This meant that every time Dennis and Rachel fucked up on the steady hand game, the rest of the housemates would get an electric shock in their arse. This resulted in Yoko the fat post box crying her eyes out because of the pain (serves her right really, what goes around comes around. I'm sure it was her uncle who tortured and electrocuted Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon), and the two stooges Alex and Sylvia quitting. In ripping her suit off, and saying she couldn't take the pain anymore, Alex was questioned by Rex, "I thought a strong woman like you could take a little shock?", and Alex went off on one again. "Yes, I went through childbirth. Yes, I've got three tattoo's", and then went on about how her pain threshold is different to everyone else's, as well as punctuating her incredibly eloquent points with the phrase "REMEMBER I TOLD YOU". You stupid, repulsive whore fuck. Stupid fucking come guzzling abject beast. Who are you???? Annoying cunt. Thankfully Rex made her cry.

Fortunately, Alex is such a horrible aggressive, petulant tramp pig, that she can't express herself without the need for shouting, so Rex wound her up even more by saying, "Stop being a baby, stop talking like a baby". This led Alex to rant a bit more, and to continuously come out with the phrase "REMEMBER I TOLD YOU" when talking to her sheep, war veteran Sylvia. By the way Sylvia, you lived through a civil war? You saw people get their arms chopped off? You had to escape in the dead of night? But you can't take a little shock on your arse? Fucking diddums you horrific acolyte tramp. Then, on a further rant about Rex and the fact that he was holding the wire for Dennis and Rachel during the task, Alex the cunt demonstrated even more of her immense maturity and articulation by declaring, "Wow-eee whoopie pants, to be exact". Doing yourself loads of favours here, Alex. She then went off to the diary room to complain about being bullied?!?! Except the word she was using was that she was being "personalised", you dense, cretinous cunt pig. Yet more of Alex's development into adulthood was shown with her refusal to lend Rex her lighter. To light a tab for 3 seconds, she wouldn't do it because it is HER property, which she has WORKED for and she'd feel "violated" if someone else used it. Gas lighters, five for a fucking pound, wind your fucking neck in you stupid, thick headed, simpleton, puerile infant cunt.

The housemates lost the task, so they're on basic rations next week.

Well that's about it all for the past few days. Eviction tonight and it does now look like it'll be Mario who exits the door. Fair enough really as he probably needs some medical care on his cockeyed, disproportionate cranium.