Loco Yoko and Eviction News

What the fuck is going on with that barrel of saturated fat and maize? Does she think she's entered a giant spelling bee? I've spent the last 24 hours watching her rotund, steroid pumped, sugar based mass shouting out words that she's learnt and spelling them out as best as she could. She said that she's learnt to spell "dignity" and then spelt it out as "D-I-N-I-T-Y". We're only a few days in and steg-head Yoko has already driven me beyond madness, cackling away like a witch with her bollocks out. If that's all she has to offer, then get her out, give her a dictionary, sit her in front of fucking Wizbit, put her in a giant fucking playpen with them books with pages made from foam that Mothercare sell, and teach the stupid twat how to talk and spell and then get her back in.

Although most of the housemates are educationally subnormal, at least they're human, unlike this heifer with caster sugar seeping through her pores only for her to scrape her undercarriage and suck on her fingernails for a new treat. She's a giant fucking biscuit man, a human fucking biscuit. She's like a big fuck off Maryland cookie. A big fuck off Maryland cookie that can't spell, or speak, or make sense or have any quality to stop me from going fucking mental.

Back to what's been happening, and hasn't that Alaxandra turned out to be a right cunt? She's like a cross between Scatman Crothers (pictured) and Queen Victoria with her mane tied back so horrifically tight that it drags her nose closer to her eyes. But what a piece of work? So, this is the girl who got the Nobel Prize for spitting out a bairn and then getting herself a job, but who the fuck would employ this tramp pig? Yet another one who can't speak properly because she's so "street". Sorry, I'm not down with your lingo, the only words I can decipher are "innit" at the end of every sentence. You've been watching too much Ricki Lake man whore dog. Do us all a favour when you get out, Scatman, and get yourself in front of a television with mental Yoko and watch some fucking Wizbit. Learn a thing or two. Going on and on and on and on about "respect", here man fuck off, do you think you're on Goodfella's or something? You stupid fucking hog.

Another alarming incident this weekend has been the Bond villain declaring he has a disability. What? You have a disability? Here we go, I thought, here's some more attention seeking stunt, what's your disability then white face? Well, it turns out he needs glasses. Glasses? That's a disability now is it? Well fucking hell, all of these years I've been missing out on my disabled badge for my car because I'm mentally handicapped. How am I mentally handicapped? Well, I get migraines now and again. Seriously, henchman, fuck off. You need glasses you cunt. Just because you can't read the letters on an eye test, it doesn't mean you have a disability you stupid fucking cat nonce.

We've also been getting more information on Sylvia's terrifying life amongst civil war in Sierra Leone. She came out with the most incredible and heartfelt patter I've ever heard, "I've witnessed it and everything" and "gunshots were so loud". Fucking hell, move over Siegfried Sassoon. Then she's going on about how soldiers would come around and chop your arms off. How many arms you got, Siegfried? Two? Is that right? You've got two arms? Why don't you shut your fucking hole. Moaning and pissing on about your stupid fucking war. I know someone called Tommy who worked in the pit from being 16 years old, he lost his arm in an accident, never moaned about it once, never stopped him going to work, never made him retire early, he just kept on going down in the pit with his Mars bar sandwich for bait, and you're moaning about having two arms and gunshots being loud? Fuck me man, it's a third world country you came from, not a fucking action movie. You expect them all to have silencers or to knock on your door and tell you there's going to be a bit shooting? Sorry if it's too loud. Grow up you dick.

Meanwhile, Ray Charles has been wandering around dressed like Nicky fucking Wire in some sort of leopard print robe. Do his family buy him these clothes for a laugh? Poor cunt, I bet he gets footballs kicked off his head and tripped over by people on his estate all the time. I bet he gets wheeled out on a morning by his family, dressed in a silver cat suit, and put in the middle of the street and all the kids use him as a goal post and wedge his stick in a drain for the other post. Poor bastard. Anyhow, Yoko thought it was "hiwarious" that blind boy went in the swimming pool, how patronising can you get? He got the task of being stroke victims best man and took to the task with great aplomb. It all went a little sour though when he, Barrowman and stroke victim all had a little bit too much to drink in the hot tub.

This is the scenario, the three of them are sitting in the hot tub, splashing each other with water, tickling each other and cuddling each other. Barrowman and Ray Charles are both dressed as bunny girls, stroke victim has his trunks on. Anyhow, Ray reaches around as he does and finds a thong, which Barrowman and stroke victim then put on him as if he's some form of handicapped mannequin. A few of the housemates come back into the room and it transpires that the undercrackers that blind boy is wearing belong to war veteran, Sylvia. So there's a big argument. The whole argument was basically Scatman Crothers and Siegfried Sassoon shouting and bawling at Ray Charles, telling him to fuck off and going on and on and on about "respect" again.

Meanwhile, shit shitter and stroke victim got married, and signed everything, and then after the wedding Big Brother announced a secret couple were in the house. This led to the other housemates speculating and if they guessed the secret couple correctly, the four task participants (Stroke victim, shit shitter, Graeme Dott and Lisa Ferigno) would be up for eviction. Well would you credit it, Ray Charles was the only one who guessed that Ferigno and stroke victim were a couple, so they failed the task.

This means that stroke victim, shit shitter, Graeme Dott and Lisa Ferigno are all now up for eviction. I've a feeling that shit shitter might go, but you never know, things might improve over the week.

In closing, I've noticed that the Sunday Express made a bit of a balls up with their Big Brother coverage yesterday, with Dan Fielder winging his way through his article by getting the facts completely wrong. Mr Fielder, undoubtedly on some giant form of salary, spent an entire article talking about the fake relationship between Mario and Rachel. Don't you mean Stephanie, Dan? Or shit shitter, Dan? He even made up quotes that Mario had came out with "And this is my better half-girlfriend-partner Rachel". Serious, you can just make up actual quotes in the papers these days, can you? I didn't realise you could actually just blatantly make up quotes and attribute them to someone else. Dan, get yourself a new researcher, or watch it yourself, or just leave making up lies and talking shite to scum like me. The article can be found here.

More updates later in the week.