X Factor

Well, with X Factor's live finals starting on Saturday and taking over our screens from then until Christmas, I thought it'd be a great time to have a look at the lucky twelve who've made the final and their chances of winning.

We'll start with Simon's groups....

Hope

This is the girl band who think they're the next Spice Girls. They were originally just in the competition as solo artists, but now they've formed as a band. We've got the arrogant pig main singer, who thinks she's her out of the Pussycat Dolls as well as all other looks catered for with the rest of the girls. If they were Spice Girls, I reckon they'd be "Token Black Spice", "Arrogant Pig Dog Spice", "Blonde Who'll End Up Getting Fucked Off Jude Law Spice", "Illegitimate Mackem Child Spice", and "The One Whose Been Randomly Added In To Make Them Five Spice". They are massive contenders to win I reckon.

Same Difference

This is the creepy brother and sister who look like they may well be a little bit more than just siblings. Prepare for really uncomfortable viewing and incestuous looks into each others eyes. Absolutely no chance of winning.

Futureproof

This is the arrogant set of lads that you get on all of these shows. By now, they'll have realised that one or two out of the five are better singers than the others, so the songs will be based around two main singes and the other three doing lame backing vocals. Look forward to the ballads where they'll be wearing suits, sitting on tall chairs, and then they'll stand up and have one hand on their heart as they walk towards the front of the stage on the key change or for the final chorus. Could get into the last 3-4.

Now Sharon's lot.....

Kimberley

This is the lass who is irritatingly "bubbly", looking as if she's got Downs, she may well get a few votes to keep her in because she hasn't got your standard pop star look. Good singer actually like, pity she looks like a mong. If it was judged on singing alone, she'd do really well, but I can see a proper heartbreaking exit when it comes down to her and somebody else, and even though her performance on the night will have been better, she'll get kicked out because she isn't as good looking as the other one.

Emily

Cue sob story and sympathy vote. This is the crack, she died, then came back to life, then decided she had to sing. Look forward to video clips before she sings of her saying things like "When I died, I realised you only get one chance at life", "I realised I have to live for today", "I realised life wasn't a rehearsal", "I owe it to myself and my family". Etc. etc. May well do alright actually, she's a good singer and has a bit of humility about her, despite going on about being dead all of the time.

Alisha

One to look out for this one like. She's the out there one and the fashionable one. She's good as well, but this is the one who'll make a proper shock exit because everyone will think she's safe. One week she'll end up going up against somebody really strong and will lose out. Or she could get lucky and still be there in the last few weeks.

Danii's group.........

Andy

Stereotypical handsome one. Can sing, but guaranteed to hit a few bum notes throughout the series. Louis will continue to put him through and praise him because he fancies the pants off him. He's probably already been down on cosmetically enhanced Danii and he will always get the female vote. Arrogant smug cunt as far as I'm concerned, but I wouldn't be surprised if he made the final.

Leon

Seems a nice enough lad actually, could well be the Ray Quinn of this year. Expect plenty of tears and shock that he makes it through each week. Won't win it, but will mention his mother every week without a doubt and start crying when saying "Am doing this for me mum".

Rhydian

Public enemy number one. He'll continue to get lucky as fuck and get through week after week. Total one trick pony, will try and do various operatic renditions of modern classics, see G4 and Il Divo (sp?). I can't fucking stand this cunt. Sharon hates him as well, but one week she'll say he was good and the audience will go mental. Get him out as soon as possible I say, his head can't swell any further, horrible fucking bell end.

And finally, Mr Walsh's lot.......

Niki

Her Dad died. You wouldn't know it like, she only goes on about it every two fucking seconds. "I'm doing this for my Dad", "I think he'll be proud of me", "I know he'll be looking down on me now". Look pet, fair play, your Dad died, but get over it. We're sick to death of hearing about it. Sick to death of hearing that you went through his papers when he died and found the X Factor application form, sick to death of hearing you going on and fucking on about it. She's blagged into the final with the sympathy vote alone and she'll continue to do it. At several points throughout, she'll start crying and going on about her dead Dad, Louis will say something like "Your Dad will have been proud of you" and she'll cry again. Honest to God man, just dig the cunt up and put his body in the audience so he can be there and we can finally put this to bed. Annoying bitch, she won't win, no chance at all.

Beverley

Big black mama. Expect more tears. Absolutely no chance of winning. Another one there to make the numbers up. She'll go on about the kids from the school she works at, how she's doing it for them. Aye, you aren't doing it for yourself like are you? Pathetic, no hoper.

Daniel

The only one in Louis' group who has a chance. Again, female votes will keep him in. he'll play the sympathy card by mentioning his 3 year old son. Has the pedigree to perform under pressure and used to have a recording deal. Could well be a dark horse.


So that's that. If I get really bored, I might do a report on each show. So I reckon it's between Hope, Daniel, Andy and maybe Kimberley.

Q Award Winners

The results are in from the thinking music-man's mag awards. Such a shame that Q has went from being one of the most respected pillars of British rock journalism, to stinking of corporate cock and jumping on the fashionista band wagon.

Best New Act winners were them absolutely horrible, tuneless charver cunts from Coventry, The Enemy. With their stupid vocal style and gash lyrics, it makes me physically sick that they should be heralded as what we have to look forward to more of in the future. And with Breakthrough Artist going to pop trench, Kate Nash, is there really any surprise why I'm losing all respect for Q?

Massive unpredictability points go to Q for the Arctic Monkeys being voted best band in the world. Fuck off.

They've also decided to give out several awards for more or less the same category. I'm clueless as to what the fuck this is all about. Did they literally have to create all of the different categories this morning, because the arrogant rock stars were threatening not to come if they didn't win anything? Check these awards out:

Q Lifetime Achievement
The Q Merit Award
The Q Hero
The Q Legend
The Q Inspiration Award
The Q Idol
The Q Icon.

Honest to God, I feel like chopping my cock off and putting it through the mincer. Yet again Sir Macca, horrible fucking cunt that he is, gets an award for the sake of it, just to boost his ego a little more, because he really needs it. The horrible patronising wig wearing prick. He's Q Icon. I can just see him getting the award. If he was there, he'd skip up to the stage, do a peace sign with one hand and thumbs up with the other, then rave on about how he loves the Arctic Monkeys. If he was unable to be there, a VT would come on the big screen, of him with his mop top wig on, sitting by a fire or a giant gold plated bust of himself, doing a peace sign with one hand and thumbs up with the other. Horrible cunt. Why don't you just fucking die?

Anyway, bit bile out there, back to the awards. Smack hag Winehouse picked up best album. Admittedly, she has got an amazing voice, but we could do without the tabloid soap opera every day. And the only other one worth mentioning is Billy Bragg, who got Q Classic Songwriter. Maybe the only one I completely agree with. Put aside all of the left wing lyrics and socialist commentary, and Bragg certainly is one of the finest lyricists of our generation. Too many associate him with his political songs, which are pretty amazing, but Bragg is also a songwriter who can write the most amazing and real love songs, as well as songs that almost make me cry every time I hear them, like "Tank Park Salute".

A big salute to you, Mr Bragg, and a big fuck you to Q.

The Temple of Oofus Mosh

The first ever album I had, which was completely mine, was a cassette version of Iron Maiden's "Powerslave". I went through a bit of a metal phase when I was about 8-9 years old. I remember turning out to a school disco with my tragic mullet, combed through with glitter gel, headbanging to some song where headbanging was completely inappropriate.

I remember waking up in the morning with a stiff neck from all the metal action, glitter all over my pillow like I'd been sleeping with a drag queen, and the smell of boiled onions from the hotdog stand staining my 80's locks. Every single time I smell boiled onions, it takes me back to that school disco, to the glitter gel, and to the DJ with his mobile disco and four halogen lights inducing fits across the dancefloor.

It also takes me back to the even more tragic band I formed with one of my mates, and another lad who wanted to be in the band. He wasn't officially in, but we'd say he could be in, if he would do outlandish dares for our amusement. Kids are cunts, aren't they? We had him drinking a Panda pop bottle full of muddy rain water from where the fields had been waterlogged, and he did it, just to be in our band. I also remember another time when he ate a piece of my shit because he thought it was a Malteser. Absolutely shocking, I agree.

Around about the same time as us going through our metal phase, the Beastie Boys appeared on the scene. For anybody who doesn't remember, or wasn't around, this marked sensationalist stories in the papers and widespread car crime. Across the country, owners of Volkswagen's were reporting their VW badges missing, drivers were tying their VW signs on to the car grills, to stop Beastie Boys fans from stealing them to make necklaces. Other stories reported the Beasties visiting hospitals full of mentally ill children, with the Beasties poking fun at them and spitting at them. I had new heroes.

And so our band formed. We had one song. Although we had no music at all, it was basically a combination of rap and metal. It was called "The Temple of Oofus Mosh". I can't remember any of the lyrics, apart from the last line of the chorus, "We go to the Temple of Oofus Mosh". Fuck knows what it was all about.

Throughout the months leading up to the school disco, I'd go round to my mates house to practice our masterpiece. Practice involved sitting in his front room with a load of crisps and taking time out from rehearsals to play with his He-Man figures. I always had the one you could fill up with water and press his head down to make him spit at his enemies. Rehearsals consisted of me holding his sisters hairbrush and him holding the remote control, and the pair of us jumping up and down on his settee, pretending we could rap. If the other lad came along, who desperately wanted to be in our band, we'd give him a banana for a microphone and laugh at him. We both had lyric sheets, but the other lad didn't, so again this gave us lots of amusement. Again, absolutely shocking.

Eventually, the lad who wanted to be in our band was barred from coming round for band practice. It's sort of my fault as well. One day, I'd arrived round at practice and there wasn't anybody in. I trailed all of the way around, only to find nobody in. Believe it or not, I was just as bitter at 9 years old as I am now. I decided to wipe snot all over the front doorbell, then preceded to go to the back of his house and curl a massive shit out on his back doorstep. Needless to say, the lad who wanted to be in our band got the blame for both the snot and the turd. I think he was grounded by his own mother as well after receiving a phone call from a justifiably angry parent.

So the school disco night finally came. It had already been organised with the headmaster, that we would get on the microphones and do our rap. Thank fuckfully, it never did happen. And instead, we headbanged the night away to Rick Astley and the Pet Shop Boys.

A shortwhile later, after I embarked on a new phase, and had a band called "The S.S. Sloppy", I put sellotape over the tabs of my Iron Maiden "Powerslave" album and taped total and utter shite off the radio when the top 40 was on, being ever so careful to make sure I stopped the tape just in time from the DJ talking.

Whenever I hear Iron Maiden's "2 Minutes To Midnight", or "Aces High", it takes me right back to the smell of boiled onions, to glitter gel, to curling out turds on doorsteps.

Happy, heady days indeed.



Here's a bit of "Powerslave", I'll do my first bits of vinyl soon.........

I Love Black Kids

Further to previous correspondence, my new favourite band have been getting a favourable write up over at Pitchfork.

Their Wizard of Ahhhs EP has been getting a respectable 8.4 out of 10 from the Pitchfork journo's. You can download the full EP from their MySpace and view their Pitchfork write up here.

Hopefully it won't be too much longer before they're snapped up and I have a full album to listen to, instead of having the demo on constant repeat on my iPod. I actually woke up at 4 in the morning today with "Hit The Heartbrakes" whirring round and round my head at a million miles an hour. That type of thing hasn't happened to me for about 12 years and that is why I am so fucking excited about this band.

Please, get this band in your life.

The Laundry Shop

These folk won't just do your washing for you and get wine stains out of your favourite white shirt, they'll also play you music synonymous with 90's alternative rock whilst looking fuck all like Pauline Fowler or Dot Cotton.

A bit like Elliott Smith fronting Siamese Dream-era Smashing Pumpkins, the Dublin threesome certainly know how to make a big noise. Inevitably, the band will get all kinds of shite quips and poor puns in reference to their name, but regardless of that, they certainly sound the part and with a singer who looks like he could've been in Sonic Youth, a lovely lady on bass and a drummer who looks like Les from Vic Reeves Big Night Out, they certainly look the part too.

And, apart from girls in hats, is there anything sexier than girls with guitars these days? I think not. The band are getting compared with the likes of the Pumpkins, Pixies, Garbage, Sonic Youth and Weezer, so that can't really be bad can it?

So get yourself over to the MySpace and have a little listen to the wonderful "Stranger In The Headlights", "Highs and Lows" and my favourite song, "Say Goodnight...."(MySpace cuts off the title so I don't know the full name, let me know).

And that's that.

Lord Don't Slow Me Down

I've sort of managed to get back into the swing of things lately.

Being annoyed and pissed off with everything has given me a bit of a second wind. I promised myself that I'll try and make at least one post on here every day from now on, so hopefully I'll be back on form and firing on all cylinders very soon.

As previously mentioned, Oasis, they of swagger and Manc-ness, have a new single. They've went and got the video up for it now over at YouTube, you can view it, in all of its black and white glory, here.

For those who haven't viewed the documentary before, it's well worth having a look when it comes out, if not just for the part where Liam refers to Michael Owen as a cunt. As he quite obviously is.

Mad for it etc.

MGMT - Time To Pretend

A new band from my favourite place in the world, New York. And not just New York, but Brooklyn, home of the fat useless tramp of a wrestler that used to smoke a cigar, The Brooklyn Brawler, as well as high flying pilot and scientologist, John Travolta.

As far as I'm aware, MGMT aren't wrestlers, tramps, pilots or scientologists, but they are capable of making very entertaining music. They've recently been snapped up by Colombia, so it won't be too long till they're making massive in roads.

The song begins off with the type of madcap palaver that you might find in a Captain Beefheart record, or at least something else very of that era. But then the drums, and almost Gary Numan-esque bass and synths kick in, and MGMT take you away with a fantastic slab of music. Think Animal Collective, A Sunny Day In Glasgow, Sunset Rubdown, maybe even a little bit of Flaming Lips.

MGMT means "management" for the uninitiated and lyrics like, "I'll go to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars", mean that I have a great big smile on my face. Go and have a listen at their MySpace, and have a listen to the other gems they've got up there.

Great new band, great tunes and great lyrics. They're currently touring the States with Of Montreal, so hopefully we'll get to see them on our fair isle very soon. Actually, just as I'm finishing this short piece off, before running to the toilet, I've realised that the Time To Pretend EP is available on iTunes. I'd make the word iTunes one of them links that takes you straight to iTunes, but I can't be fucked on. Go and get it though, if you're that way inclined.

Oasis - Lord Don't Slow Me Down

Oasis’ first ever download single will be upon us in a matter of weeks. The past few weeks have bred a hive of activity on blogs all over the world wide web, and frankly, the internet is currently filled with the mess of thousands of dead links for the forthcoming single that have all but disappeared shortly after emerging.

Dodgy rips are still available in places if you dig deep enough, or you can wait for the official release on 21 October.

So what is it all about then? Well, basically, the single accompanies the DVD which is predictably out in time for the Christmas stockings. So it’s a one off and is certainly not good enough to be a leading single from a brand new full length studio album. Obviously Noel’s hype machine will suggest that it is brilliant, but it isn’t really.

It’s basically the type of one off song that Oasis can put out and make millions, just because it has their name attached to it. Idiots, like me, will more than happily fill the coffers in order to keep our record collection full, and this is why the single, good or bad, may well have smashed lots and lots of records if Oasis had cottoned on to selling stuff online yonks ago. It may not break records when it comes out, but I’d be very surprised if it didn’t go top five in the Hit Parade, if not number one.

The song itself has a Noel vocal, at times it makes me think of the same sort of pounding roll along rhythm of Sweet’s “Blockbuster”, whilst some of the vocal melody leans towards Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” and the song overall wanders the same sort of Oasis territory as “Lyla” or, and I can’t quite put my finger on why, but also “Force of Nature”.

It isn’t brilliant, but it’s hardly terrible either, and I know for a fact that I’ll be buying it. Oasis have been one of the most important bands in my life, let’s hope the next album will have some real singles, the kind we’re used to, and keep this type of song as a b-side.

Bruce Springsteen - Magic

The Boss and the E Street band are back together for a new album and new tour. Devastated doesn’t even cover my anguish at not getting tickets for the tour, and now them horrible tout cunts are trying to make me re-mortgage my house if I want to go and see one of the few people who actually means anything to me anymore.

Springsteen just gets older and older, more wise, more thoughtful and reflective. You’ll not catch The Boss skipping along the street with a pair of Converse on for iTunes like that horrible 85 year old cunt McCartney did. You’ll be more than likely to find him on the stage with his kicked to fuck acoustic, making everyone around him smile, singing and dancing, and putting just as much of a shift in as a panel beater.

People slag off Springsteen and say the music is overblown, pompous and whatever else a thesaurus might throw your way. But that is the whole fucking point. Pure unadulterated escapism. Where else can you find the saxophone bearable, apart from when it’s in the hands of man mountain Clarence Clemens, and where else can you find a band that has one of the coolest characters to ever appear on TV (Silvio from The Sopranos) strutting around in full rock regalia.

I absolutely adore this album, from start to finish. The album is sentimental and testament to how good the musicians are. From the opening “Radio Nowhere”, which I admittedly disliked on first listen, but now sounds somewhere between Husker Du and Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear The Reaper”, to the final remorseful “Terry’s Song”.

With every listen, the honesty, romantiscm and sincerity echoes through. The album is a fantastic sing-a-long, overblown, pompous piece of work. And that’s the fucking point.


Here's a bit classic Boss...........

Black Kids

Don’t be taken aback or offended with the title of this post. I’m not making some sort of racial attack, this is the name of the band who are currently red hot on the radar, apparently.

Whenever I think of black kids, I think of this little kid called Mohammed who moved back to Bangladesh when we were 8 or 9. Good little kid, but we never ever seen him again. No idea what happened. I always remember Mohammed for the snotty crust around his nostrils. He always had it. It became even more prominent when we’d get our milk at playtime, and the focus was brought up to his mouth area, so you could always see the dried snot from behind his blue straw. Shouldn’t have drank milk, Mohammed, didn’t do his look any favours. Massive head as well actually, for a kid. The only other thing I think of, when I think of black kids, is the fact they only ever ate fish fingers when we got our school dinners. Doesn’t make them bad people like, just saying.

From now on though, when I think of black kids, (I’ll just stress, not in a noncey way) I’ll think of this absolutely brilliant young band from Florida.

I’ve come to find, by the powers of the internet and actual written words in magazines, that this band may well be the “next big thing”. On listening to the stuff they have on their MySpace and from the general “buzz” from the articles I’ve been reading on blogs and the like, I can certainly understand why. Although the sound is far removed from the type of David Byrne delivery that Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! offered us, I still get the same sort of feeling about the music when I listen to it, as if they are about to “happen”. They have a similar sort of delivery and excitement about their music that makes you feel like you’ve really discovered a band that you’re going to follow for years to come.

The comparisons are there for all and sundry, with the likes of The Cure, My Bloody Valentine and The Go! Team regularly name checked in the same breath as Black Kids.

These scamps are a very good band. Bands don’t just get younger and younger as I get older, they get better and better. Somehow, in the past few years, the world has started to produce young kids who can make amazing music. Gone are the days of sitting with a Musical Youth LP on, or teenybop wank stains Hanson appearing all over the TV set. Nowadays it’s became quite cool to like kids, again, not in a noncey way, and kids have became better and better at making music which isn’t just flash in the pan commercial, novelty shite.

The rumour mill suggests that they’ll be over to the UK in November and maybe releasing something at the same time. My luck tells me that they’ll probably just play one date in London, or they’ll support someone shite and come nowhere near where I live.

The band is still unsigned, but that shouldn’t be for much longer. So eyes peeled and keep a look out for Black Kids. It’ll make a pleasant change for a lot of people to start enthusing about Black Kids, rather than being mugged off them and accusing them of being terrorists.

Seriously though, go to their MySpace, and listen to “I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You”. What a fucking amazing tune, absolutely amazing. Actually, fuck that, every song they have up there is amazing.



Here's a bit of Musical Youth to keep you going........

Stars - In Our Bedroom After The War (Arts & Crafts), Published in NARC. #19

Stars perform the futuristic type of music you might find in some sort of spaceship based romantic drama in years to come, a time when music rules the universe and people have blue hair and silver suits. Not the type of future where two cretins called Bill and Ted heal the world with their air guitar and shite catchphrases. No, this is a good future.

The Montreal based band seem to have the incredible ability of creating music that almost transcends comparison with any of their contemporaries. Choosing to create layers upon layers of amazing intricate electronica, duelling poetical vocals and melodies to melt the last remaining icebergs, Stars create intelligent, articulate and wonderfully expressive pop.

However, Stars do lose points in places. As much as most of the album is all lovely, warm and challenging, we do still have a couple of stinkers that wander the realms of Prefab Sprout at their crappest, and dare I say it, a little bit of Maroon 5, with The Ghost Of Genova Heights. Despite my ears not having complete agreement with a couple of the songs, no fool, no matter how crap their ears, can deny the glory and loftiness of Take Me To The Riot, Window Bird, My Favourite Book and the albums title track couldn’t be any more uplifting and triumphant if it tried.

For the most part, this is an absolutely cracking album, ignore my slight negativity, it’s just my way. This is certainly something that I’ll continue to listen to in the future. Whether or not I’ll be dying my hair blue and wrapping my fat torso in tin foil is another thing.

4/5



NARC. is currently available in all good record shops, pubs, practice rooms etc. etc. View more information on NARC. magazine, including outlets, at their MySpace, and at their website.