Big Brother

Attention seeking verruca's from the heel of society will once again enter the Big Brother house this Friday, seeking to be as sensationalist and camera savvy as possible over the course of the miserable British summer.

As always, I'll say, "I'm not watching that pile of shite", "I hate it", knowing full well that I'm going to end up watching every single episode and as much live feed as possible, whilst I hide from the public and cower under my duvet, cock in hand, praying that the stereotypical page 3 wannabee hag will get her tits out in the hot tub.

So, I'm toying with the idea of accompanying the bile and diatribe that will usually come from my brain with turning this into a Big Brother Watch for the next few weeks. I'm not entirely sure if I will yet, I'll probably have decided and changed my mind a dozen times by the time Friday comes around, but maybe I will. I appreciate that most of the contestants are the lowest form of humanity anyway, and are in effect sitting ducks, but who cares.

There'll be 12 or so going in this year won't there? I would imagine that this year will have the first gay fuck, I think we might also have a rape or a murder, just to spice it up.

Who will be the contestants? Well we already know that there'll be the stereotypical outrageously camp man who makes the heterosexual men feel uncomfortable. There'll be the other gay man who is quite butch and who hates effeminate gays, a proper lads puff. We'll have an intelligent lass who thinks she's above everyone and who has 3000 A* GCSE's or something. We'll have a couple of lads who go "get your tits out" and are obsessed with lager, kebabs and thinking they can fuck any lass in the world - invariably one of them will shag a really nice lass, or at least get pulled off. There'll be a couple of eye candy lasses who can't wait to get into and out of their bikini's, they'll either bond and form an evil bikini group, or they'll become sworn enemies, argue a lot and vie for the attention of the male eye candy. The male eye candy will be cool as fuck, he'll have nice cars, be well dressed and knock about with rock stars and footballers, girls will swoon, boys will wish they were him, but he'll have a fatal flaw and end up getting caught fucking an animal or just having a full blown breakdown.

As always, Davina, who is just as much of an attention seeking brat as the contestants, will become increasingly more tiresome over the summer and the two new Big Brother's Little Brother hosts are going to rile me and destroy the show that Dermot made essential viewing. At least Big Brother's Big Mouth may be worth watching, dependent on the host. Bring back Mr Brand, please?