How Are They Getting On?

After 12 days or so, I thought that it might be a good time to give an unbiased and intelligent overview of how each of the housemates is coping with life in the house. This will involve giving a fair and thoughtful assessment of their character.

We may as well go through them in the order that they entered the house, so we've got swingers Mario and Lisa first. It's actually become quite creepy watching how Lisa crawls around sniffing the shit from Mario's arse, teasing his turtles heads with a curious finger and licking her digits as if she's ran out of biscuits on a chocolate dip. The transvestite bodybuilder is besotted with Mario and seems to be under some form of spell. He's like a fucking warlock, he's even got the blind twat in his pocket. Whilst many of the housemates dislike him, Lisa and Mikey are like Branch Davidians to Mario's David Koresh. He'll be trying to arse maul Mikey next and trying to convince him he'll be able to carry his child. Watch out for the FBI storming the house in week 9 and burning all of the housemates to death.

One dimensional virgin, Luke, was next. The girls say, "Ooh he's so nice", "Ooh he's so funny", whatever. Would you fuck him? No. He's basically tarnished for his whole life with being some sort of sitcom character from the 70's which it isn't fashionable to be again, yet. Once we come full circle and the BBC brings back situation comedy that involves overt racism and ill-thought out innuendo, then we'll let you speak up Luke and you'll get all the fanny you desire. However, I don't think it'll ever happen. He doesn't drink, swear or smoke, what a boring twat. How can you deprive yourself of some of the best things about being alive? I'd spike the fucker if I was in there, wait till he wasn't looking and spike his meals and drinks with loads of cheap Mitsy's, then sit back and watch him go absolutely mental to the point where he's sobbing his heart out and trying to crawl down a crack in the settee, whilst I stand there laughing and throwing slices of bread off his stupid pea head.

Rachel was the next housemate, and what a boring balding mong. She falls into the category of one of those lasses that I can't stand at all. You all know the type, 18-24 age bracket, one horrifically bland boyfriend their whole life, who they talk about full time at work and refer to him by his Christian name only as if you know them. She'll go on as if she's in her 50's even though she's only 24, talking to the menopausal hags at the coffee machine about the shite grown up telly that was on the night before, going on and on about how horrifically bland her weekend was, and the simple fact is that she's spent her whole life with this one horrifically bland boyfriend and hasn't ever been fucked properly. Lots of these types escape the hum-drum and learn a couple of other positions off a new boyfriend, but many are destined to be married by the age of 21 in a marriage that will become largely loveless by the time they're in their 40's, and the focal point of their relationship will be the children they spawned when they were 23, which has since left the marriage sexless and stagnant. She'll hate her body, her arse, her baggy wizards sleeve of a twat, her stretch marks and he'll try and rectify his self hatred by buying a sports car. He'll probably start getting sucked off by his secretary if he's daring enough. Yes, I think that's a fair assessment of Rachel.

DJ and pretty boy with not much to offer, Dale, came next. I honestly despair for this lad. I honestly thought he would go in and nail everyone in sight, be a total chauvinist pig but bang the arse of everyone that's in there whilst looking at himself in the mirror and flexing his guns Patrick Bateman stylee. It turns out that he's went in there, full of testosterone and a giant cock waiting to be grafted, but lost it all by falling in love and becoming obsessed with Jennifer. I would imagine by now, that his penis has become inverted and started touching the inside of his appendix and she'll soon have him rolling over and having his belly tickled and cleaning her discharge covered knickers. He's lost it. By week six I predict they'll find him cowering in a wardrobe, thrapping away at his cock like he's playing Daley Thompson's Decathlon, and screaming in a mirror "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you". Seriously Dale, grow some spuds and fuck her off, enjoy yourself, fuck that Sylvia man, she's game as fuck and she's not damaged goods.

Speaking of Sylvia, she's by far the most two faced in the house. Running in between all of the little cliques telling tales and spreading rumours and winding everyone up, she'll not last long. Everyone is starting to suss out that she actually has nothing to offer the house other than bitching and talking in some stupid London/Sierra Leone accent. When she gets out they should put her in some sort of Bad Lads style army assault course to test the incredible combat skills she learnt whilst fighting off the Revolutionary United Front. She couldn't be any more full of shit if she tried.

Dennis is just as boring as I thought he'd be. Another total bitch who comes out with that stereotypical line that bitches come out with, i.e. "If I've got something to say, I'll say it to your face". Fuck off man, we're so bored to death of hearing that bullshit. What do you offer the house? You prance around singing in a stupid voice at the top of your voice, you smoke, and you cry. That's it. That is all you bring to the table. Is that on his fucking CV under hobbies and interest? Singing, smoking and crying? What a shite cunt.

Blind freak, Mikey, was the next one to join us. Fuck me, what the fuck is his wardrobe? Does he just have a trunk full of fancy dress outfits? I'm half expecting to turn on one day and see him dressed as Hitler or as a fat gangster with a plastic Tommy gun. He was on there last night dressed as a cowboy for fucks sake, with a neckerchief on?!? Somebody have a fucking word. He's got the haircut of a Lithuanian exchange student and the dress code of a third world AID's ridden teenager. I wonder if he's in one of those programmes where he gets sent a load of old clothes in a black bin bag like they do in that Ethiopia. He'll be turning out in a 23 year old football shirt next that's five sizes too small for him, it'll be like a fucking belly top on him, with his blind pale belly hanging out the bottom. Wipe the flies off his blind face, give him some fucking flour to munch on, and sit the bow-legged Rickets ridden cunt in the corner. I'd get some glue and stick loads of bits of rice on the carpets me like and tell him it's some sort of special Braille task on the floor and he's got to work out what it says, just leave the cunt in the house all day whilst me and the rest of the housemates went outside to do some able bodied and fully sighted fun activities.

Alexandra, I'm not going to go over old ground again with you. I think we all know the score, don't we? She'll be out on Friday with any luck. I'm not even wasting my time typing. Make the most of your ten seconds of fame when you get out, before you go back to your pathetic life of living in some crummy tower block and flicking your bean to Jeremy Kyle.

Spoilt chef, Rex, came through the doors after the cunt. He seems to be the most straightforward one in there. He's the nemesis of Alex and he cooks everything for them. He'll probably make the final week as they're all too lazy to cook themselves so he'll be kept in just on that basis. The producers will probably introduce a task which takes Rex out of the kitchen to make things more interesting. He's formed a bit of a bond with Mohamed.

Mohamed the fat Muslim, has taken to eating mayonnaise on toast. You horrible, dirty, filthy hack. He's been banging on again about drinking and smoking even though he's a Muslim (again). Is that all your patter consists of? "I smoke, I drink, which is funny as I'm a Muslim". Who gives a flying fuck about you? Who fucking cares man? And those laps that you do round the garden after eating your mayonnaise aren't going to shift that horrific fucking kite you've got swinging around your mid-riff. Smoke some more and stop eating pure filth. I bet he fucking stinks.

Rebecca is a tramp, but she's a bit more of a likable tramp than I'd earlier anticipated. She's like a tramp who has a bit of a skill, like the mouth organ or guitar, or a mangy dog, rather than a tramp who imposes himself on you and breathes meths up your early morning snout. Well, sort of anyhow, apart from her not having a skill or a mangy dog. She doesn't actually seem to have anything about her, she's just some normal lass who gets her tits out when she's had a few, harmless really. Let's put our cards on the table though, she's not going to win, so we may as well kick her out now.

Albino Bond villain, Darnell, seems OK. He's stood his ground against the stroke victim and against Jennifer a couple of times and he does seems genuine enough, even though you wouldn't let him near your children. I'm not suggesting he's a nonce, but he's just a bit scary for kids. People that look like him should just be kept under the stairs or in a back yard kennel. They should just make a big hutch for him and fill it with lots of nice hay for his glossy skin to lie on and just feed him carrots and stuff. I'm surprised he's never joined a circus, actually. He'd make a fortune in a freak show.

Now what can we say about Jennifer? She sort of falls into the same boring category as Rachel, except that she'd definitely do the dirty. Another one of those lasses that pretends they're so high maintenance and they've got morals, when in fact they are as cheap as they come. She's stringing Dale on a bit, but if he gets her pissed enough he'll probably be able to get her fucked. Personally, I don't get the attraction in a lass that resembles Skeletor without the energy draining chains and has the teeth of a Californian crackhead. I'm sure she went into the house with a boyfriend, so she's either a cheating slag or she's playing Dale for a tit, probably both.

And finally, it's the cookie monster. She does actually look like she's lost weight since entering the house. She's still scary and easily the most likely to go mental and kill everyone and the least likely to get fucked. I can imagine her bludgeoning Mikey to death with a packet of Hob Nobs. She's the clear favourite to win. She's also been massaging people. There's absolutely Bob Hope of me letting her sugary lady's fingers come anywhere near my skin, horrible obese bison dog. She'd probably try and tear a chunk out of your shoulder and then sit slavering your blood all over her chin whilst caressing her breasts. She's sick in the head.

So I'll do an update once the nominations are out. Farewell.