Shiny Toy Guns - You Are The One

I’ve been trying really hard to find some more music that I like, so I can write some more positive reviews. I think it’s getting to the point where I may be looking like a bit of a one trick pony, and that’s not a good thing.

So I decided to have a go at Shiny Toy Guns’ new single, “You Are The One”. A song with a title that doesn’t exactly fill me with optimism from the start, there’s no reason why it should, but it’s already reminding me of pseudo-punk band The Offspring’s “Not The One” and I can’t get it out of my head. Have you heard that song? Honestly, terrible. I’ll see if I can get a YouTube of it for the end of the review.

“You Are The One” begins with a ‘massive’ synth’s riff, it could be Magaluf in ’83, or an even kitschier Killer’s. But let’s not give up hope, the drums have started and the vocals have started, and there’s a boy and a girl singing.

You know what, this song sounds like something that would feature on a fight scene from “Power Rangers”, or on one of them mad cartoons where the blokes are all full of steroids and walk round with no tops on and swords in their hands. Bit like He-Man, but in the future, where the main male character is racing towards the girl he loves in some sort of spaceship thing, and she’s fighting off an evil goblin with her primitive bow and arrow, with the camera going backwards and forwards to the two of them.

This is no joke, like. I feel physically violated by this song. It’s not even funny, if I could think of a metaphor or an analogy, in a crap reviewer type of way, the closest I could come would be that this record makes me feel like being teased into the boot of a Morris Minor by a quarter bag of rhubarb and custard, driven to a remote farm, raped for a bit, threatened that they’d tell my parents I was a gayer if I told, then dropped off at the end of my street.

Strange, I remember the days when paedophiles used to be all over the place, only in those days, they were referred to as “weirdo’s” and “strangers”. I’ve only just worked out recently that when we used to watch video’s at school in the 80’s, and it was all “Don’t Talk To Strangers”, that strangers were fucking nonces. I just thought they worked in sweet shops or kennels and they were people that my mam and dad didn’t know. Why the fuck call them “strangers”? It’s not even a threatening word is it?

In one of the videos, fucking “Tom” out of “Reggie Perrin” played the part of a stranger, I’m terrified to watch repeats of it now man. Did he have any idea when he got cast as “Stranger In Car”, that he was actually portraying a bloke who nails kids. Fucking hell man, in the 80’s it was probably fair game to do a bit method acting as well, hanging out with kids in playgrounds and pyjama parties to get into the part.

Aye, but nowadays it’s all, “hanging’s too good for them” and “they should lock them up and throw away the key”. I don’t know, I reckon they get a bad press me like, there used to be a strange man a few doors down in everyone’s street, so what if he had a wank at his window when you walked past, so what if he put old ten pence’s on the pavement outside of his house so he could get a Polaroid of you bending over, at the end of the day he kept himself to himself, and you always got belter sweets off him at Halloween.

We had this bloke called “Ted the Puff” man, dirty old bastard with dead skin on his face. Lived round the corner from us, had an etching of an old sailboat on his top window, used to call me “Sir Robert” all the time for some reason. He was no bother, I mean when I was a paper lad, he used to try and rub his crotch against me when I walked past him in the paper shop, who could blame him, I had a cracking arse when I was 12, but it never went further than that. Moral panic these days man, I reckon half of it’s made up. If the kids are anything like I was when I was their age, they’ll be a right bunch of cockteases.

Anyhow, dreadful, just dreadful, it’s actually not even that good. If this song was a ten to two pick up, I’d have to put a bag over her head whilst I shagged her, and a bag over mine in case hers fell off. It’s just horrible and I need to know who buys this, I really need to find them all and hunt them down, not hurt them, just ask “WHY??????”.

Horrific.

The single was out this week I think, 16th April, I really don't care. If you want to see if I'm lying, visit their MySpace.


“Not The One” by The Offspring, put together by some yellow bellied frog…..