Natasha Bedingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies

He/she buck-toothed inbred tramp-dog, Natasha Bedingfield, has a new single out on April 16th, presumably about her suspicious relationship with her brother.

The single continues along the same lines as the turgid, listless wank-pop that she's released in the past. In fact the only reason that this single is appearing here, is because somebody said to me "why is everything you write about guitar bands I've never heard of?". So I'll answer that ignorant person with this review.

I can imagine that when young Natasha and Daniel were kids, they'd sit up at night in the bed that they shared, with a torch under the covers. Daniel asking her to touch his tail and Natasha forcing his hand onto her front bum, whilst their Dad (who surely looks like Tim Henman's Dad), sat at the end of the bed reading the letters page out loud from the Daily Mail, in complete outrage at the working classes and the country's immigration policy.

In fact, the last time I seen the brother and sister combo together was at Live 8. The pair of them were singing a duet, which involved various overtly incestuous dance moves. I'd never felt so sick and violated from watching the TV since Jacko was at the Brits that time.

Where has Daniel gone anyway? The last time I seen him, he was wearing one of those mad frame things round his head and shoulders after a car crash. You know them mad contraptions that people wear? Sort of like the carcass of a virtual reality helmet, the type that Maggie Philbin on Tomorrow's World told us we'd all be wearing in the future, putting the dishes and hoovering to one side so we can sex some polygon whore with triangular tits.

In fact, if this was the future, and songs were in pill form, just like our meals, this would be a little pill of poison.

Vile sow, stop making records and go off to create your troglodyte children elsewhere. And another thing, nobody gets to use "wanna" in a song title apart from the Ramones and the Wildhearts. Please, fuck off.