X Factor

Well, with X Factor's live finals starting on Saturday and taking over our screens from then until Christmas, I thought it'd be a great time to have a look at the lucky twelve who've made the final and their chances of winning.

We'll start with Simon's groups....

Hope

This is the girl band who think they're the next Spice Girls. They were originally just in the competition as solo artists, but now they've formed as a band. We've got the arrogant pig main singer, who thinks she's her out of the Pussycat Dolls as well as all other looks catered for with the rest of the girls. If they were Spice Girls, I reckon they'd be "Token Black Spice", "Arrogant Pig Dog Spice", "Blonde Who'll End Up Getting Fucked Off Jude Law Spice", "Illegitimate Mackem Child Spice", and "The One Whose Been Randomly Added In To Make Them Five Spice". They are massive contenders to win I reckon.

Same Difference

This is the creepy brother and sister who look like they may well be a little bit more than just siblings. Prepare for really uncomfortable viewing and incestuous looks into each others eyes. Absolutely no chance of winning.

Futureproof

This is the arrogant set of lads that you get on all of these shows. By now, they'll have realised that one or two out of the five are better singers than the others, so the songs will be based around two main singes and the other three doing lame backing vocals. Look forward to the ballads where they'll be wearing suits, sitting on tall chairs, and then they'll stand up and have one hand on their heart as they walk towards the front of the stage on the key change or for the final chorus. Could get into the last 3-4.

Now Sharon's lot.....

Kimberley

This is the lass who is irritatingly "bubbly", looking as if she's got Downs, she may well get a few votes to keep her in because she hasn't got your standard pop star look. Good singer actually like, pity she looks like a mong. If it was judged on singing alone, she'd do really well, but I can see a proper heartbreaking exit when it comes down to her and somebody else, and even though her performance on the night will have been better, she'll get kicked out because she isn't as good looking as the other one.

Emily

Cue sob story and sympathy vote. This is the crack, she died, then came back to life, then decided she had to sing. Look forward to video clips before she sings of her saying things like "When I died, I realised you only get one chance at life", "I realised I have to live for today", "I realised life wasn't a rehearsal", "I owe it to myself and my family". Etc. etc. May well do alright actually, she's a good singer and has a bit of humility about her, despite going on about being dead all of the time.

Alisha

One to look out for this one like. She's the out there one and the fashionable one. She's good as well, but this is the one who'll make a proper shock exit because everyone will think she's safe. One week she'll end up going up against somebody really strong and will lose out. Or she could get lucky and still be there in the last few weeks.

Danii's group.........

Andy

Stereotypical handsome one. Can sing, but guaranteed to hit a few bum notes throughout the series. Louis will continue to put him through and praise him because he fancies the pants off him. He's probably already been down on cosmetically enhanced Danii and he will always get the female vote. Arrogant smug cunt as far as I'm concerned, but I wouldn't be surprised if he made the final.

Leon

Seems a nice enough lad actually, could well be the Ray Quinn of this year. Expect plenty of tears and shock that he makes it through each week. Won't win it, but will mention his mother every week without a doubt and start crying when saying "Am doing this for me mum".

Rhydian

Public enemy number one. He'll continue to get lucky as fuck and get through week after week. Total one trick pony, will try and do various operatic renditions of modern classics, see G4 and Il Divo (sp?). I can't fucking stand this cunt. Sharon hates him as well, but one week she'll say he was good and the audience will go mental. Get him out as soon as possible I say, his head can't swell any further, horrible fucking bell end.

And finally, Mr Walsh's lot.......

Niki

Her Dad died. You wouldn't know it like, she only goes on about it every two fucking seconds. "I'm doing this for my Dad", "I think he'll be proud of me", "I know he'll be looking down on me now". Look pet, fair play, your Dad died, but get over it. We're sick to death of hearing about it. Sick to death of hearing that you went through his papers when he died and found the X Factor application form, sick to death of hearing you going on and fucking on about it. She's blagged into the final with the sympathy vote alone and she'll continue to do it. At several points throughout, she'll start crying and going on about her dead Dad, Louis will say something like "Your Dad will have been proud of you" and she'll cry again. Honest to God man, just dig the cunt up and put his body in the audience so he can be there and we can finally put this to bed. Annoying bitch, she won't win, no chance at all.

Beverley

Big black mama. Expect more tears. Absolutely no chance of winning. Another one there to make the numbers up. She'll go on about the kids from the school she works at, how she's doing it for them. Aye, you aren't doing it for yourself like are you? Pathetic, no hoper.

Daniel

The only one in Louis' group who has a chance. Again, female votes will keep him in. he'll play the sympathy card by mentioning his 3 year old son. Has the pedigree to perform under pressure and used to have a recording deal. Could well be a dark horse.


So that's that. If I get really bored, I might do a report on each show. So I reckon it's between Hope, Daniel, Andy and maybe Kimberley.