Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

Evil, robotic mega-lo-maniac overlords, Maroon 5, have released their latest attempt at channelling evil thoughts into our minds via shite commercial discharge.

The song has been designed by a group of crackpot Nazi scientists, living in a bunker since the end of World War: The Sequel, with it’s sole intention to make us all want to kill each other in a spate of madness, desperation and middle of the road boredom, leaving Maroon 5 to come along at the end of it all to rule the world.

It’s working as well, the radio waves are turning us into corporate slaves, making me want to annihilate every fucker who tries to make conversation with me, to gouge out their eyes and tell them that I’m not in the slightest bit interested in the nonsense that is coming from their mouth.

I got stuck talking to some lad off my course the other day, before going into an exam, what a boring tosser man, we’ll call him Terrence to protect his identity. The conversation was limited and I found myself just looking through him without listening to a single word he was saying, whilst my brain was thinking “wonder what’s for my tea?” He asked me if I’d done much revision and I nearly blurted out, “Waffles!!”

The conversation moved on to what we’ll be doing in the summer, and he started going on about the army and how he’s going away with the army and how he’s gutted about the exams because he’s missing three really good “op’s”. Honest to god man, talk about losing the will to live. He went on and on about the army, talking in code and using stupid initials as if I either A) cared; or B) gave a fuck.

He told me he manages a band, which briefly held my attention, till I realised they were obviously shite. He directed me to their MySpace, where I later noticed his MySpace in their top friends, so I thought I’d have a little peak. My word, what a fucking loon. He’s in the Territorial Army, right? His address is army themed, his favourite books are listed as “one’s about war”, his favourite films as “war movies”, he’s some sort of mentalist creep who’s probably going to blow me up.

I imagine Terrence and his “mad” friends camp out round the fire when they are on “op’s”, eating cold beans and reciting lines from the drill instructor in “Full Metal Jacket”, word for word. Fucking losers.

I’d just like to say, before I go any further, people who are in the Territorial Army are complete and utter bell ends. The Territorial Army isn’t the real army. It’s like a Lego version of the army, in fact I reckon I’m more of a soldier than them fuckers because I made “Top-Gun” at Quasar Laser back in the early 90’s. That’s what the TA is, it’s like the Quasar version of the real army, they don’t even have proper guns or armour man, running round the forests with sticks of wood shouting “Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ha-ah-ah” (the sound that machine gun fire makes – in my head at least) at each other. “I shot you man, you’re dead”, “Nah you didn’t, you shot the tree”. What?!?!?! You are shooting each other with sticks and making noises like “poush” (that’s my pistol noise), they are not real guns you stupid fucking wankers. It’s like the argument of “It hit the post man” when a ball flew over the jacket lying on the floor, acting as a goalpost, at head height.

The TA are the police version of “specials”. Them cunts who try to enforce the law, but can’t. Wearing second hand jumpers from the cop shop, like the spare kit that you had to wear in PE when you forgot your stuff. Jumpers too big, and trousers with shitstains on the arse. The fact of the matter is, they’re only specials because they’re too short, too cock-eyed, too nice or not black enough/handicapped enough to be real filth. Now that we’re on it, the rozzers are always on about equal opportunities, more blacks etc., but you hardly ever see a handicapped copper in a wheelchair do you?

I’d love a bit of that like, some handicapped powering his way down the street in his Olympic style wheelchair, blowing his whistle and shouting “Stop Thief!” at some shoplifting scallywag. Benefits would be two-fold, firstly, it would be good for the environment as it wouldn’t use petrol, and secondly, it’d keep the handicapper’s off our public transport system and from getting in my way in the aisles of Asda.

They could even give them special voicebox computer things like Dr Stephen Hawking and input the stuff in that they need to say, like on "Robocop", brilliant man, Actually, why not just get all of the handicappers and open up their skulls and turn them into robots, then they could walk again, they wouldn’t even need chairs. Fucking right man, circuit-board spastics, surely the future? Feed the fuckers on vegetable oil and rusty nails.

Actually, creating these robot overlords may be a bad thing, as they might create even more of this fucking absolute shower of piss and shit.

Before we know it, it’ll be just like "Terminator II" with lead singer Adam Levine doing door to doors, saying “John Connor?”.

The holocaust is coming boys and girls, and it’s led by Maroon 5, Hawking, Terrence and the handicappers. Lock up your nuts and bolts, hide your vegetable oil and beware of any fucker in a motorised wheelchair infiltrating your camp, and if they do, laser the fuckers in the eye with your Quasar gun. I for one, am going to do some training at Quasar on Saturday, I’ll call it “op’s”, you’re free to join, they may take our radio waves, but they won’t take our liberty.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.


The grotesque single was recently out on the 14th of May.

Here's the video, wear 3D glasses so that the subliminal technotronics don't melt your mind