Emily Haines - Doctor Blind

I love stumbling across this sort of thing, it’s always nice and refreshing to hear somebody else moaning on, and singing songs that you can listen to when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, and it’s even more refreshing to hear this sort of thing when it comes from a woman’s voice.

Imagine Sylvia Plath and Elizabeth Wurtzel getting together to write a load of happy go lucky songs, then giving up 5 pads of A4 later, and instead, bleeding their hearts out over a piano, a box of cheap cigarettes and a bottle of red.

This is the type of thing I can put on my branded mp3 player for a long haul train journey and look out the window, with every lyric fitting in with everything going on in my life and every melody somehow describing everything that I can see. By the time the train journey finishes I’ll be covered in my own tears and determined to throw myself in front of the train on the return journey. What a fucking beautiful, morose tune.

As somebody who has always had a sick fascination with rock and roll suicides, tragedies and the darker side of life, this tune gives me a metaphorical erection, if such a thing can exist.

The stages of erection can be compartmentalised into four varieties. From the most flaccid to the most tenacious todger, we first have the “Pink Flop”. The Pink Flop is basically your standard cock, it’s colloquially referred to as “on the slack”. We often lie about how long our lovelength is whilst “on the slack” in order to avoid embarrassment, or use phrases such as, “mine’s only a couple of inches on the slack, but it’s about 7 inches when I’ve got a hard on”, in order to avert from shame in testosterone fuelled conversations.

The second stage of erection is “Purple Shine”. This is your erection which has much akin to the variety known as “Brewers Droop”, although Purple Shine is not necessarily always alcohol related. Purple Shine is the erection that is pretty much useless when you’re trying to perform intercourse, unless your partner has either a front bum or back bum (depending upon preference) like a wizard’s sleeve. It is a decent enough performer when wanting to whack a quick one out before work/breakfast, but not so much use in any other situation.

Next we have “Black Metal”. Black Metal is your standard hard on, it’s the length at which we pretend our cock is at permanently. Black Metal is the best performer for all situations and it is commonly found as your classic and well established erection. You’ll still achieve Black Metal when you’ve had a few drinks, or if you’re sober, it’s your generic everyday hard on, but still an impressive specimen nonetheless.

Finally, we have the king of all erections, “Blue Steel”. This form of stiffy only comes once every so often. Drugs such as Cialis and Viagra do enable some to artificially convert their Black Metal to a Blue Steel, but this is purely synthetic and in no way does it encapsulate the power and determination of a Blue Steel. A Blue Steel can quite easily be used as a weapon to use against a burglar, or even to aid a burglar to crowbar open a window. Many cultures see the Blue Steel as a myth. Its rarity is such, that it is thought that many men live their entire life without actually achieving this god like phallic golden calf.

This song evokes all the joy of a Blue Steel hard on, with its majestic strings and haunting vocals.

I’ve been a gigantic fan of Elliott Smith for years, now I may have finally found his female equivalent.

The single was out on the 21st of May. Here is the video…..