Rihanna - Shut Up and Drive

Fresh from ruining the summer with "Umbrella", the "Bike From Barbados" has got a new single out, full of suggestive retort and innuendo based content.

The story allegedly goes, that Jay-Z locked her in a room and wouldn't let her leave until she'd signed a record deal. Personally, I reckon Rihanna may have signed a bit of a confidentiality agreement on that one. You've got a desperate slut in one corner, determined to get a record deal, and in the other corner, you've got a millionaire mogul with a cock like a role of bin liners. Aye, he locked you in until you signed, he was that desperate to sign you. Clearly he grafted the arse off her and gained penetration through the offer of the contract, again, allegedly. Carrot and stick isn't it?

The new single uses incredibly talented writing skills to offer up the use of a car as some form of sexual metaphor. I'm amazed with the skill and craft that they have done so. The song basically makes Rihanna look like even more of a slut. But teen-slut does sell, so maybe that makes it OK.

The first verse goes something like this.....

"I've been looking for a driver who's qualified
So if you think that you're the one step into my ride
I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine
With a sunroof top and a gangster lean"

My interpretation of this is......

"I want someone who knows what he's doing with his cock
If you've had numerous sexual partners you can put your bits inside me
I can go like a sewing machine
(Some American jive that probably has something to do with spunk)"

And so it goes on, appalling really. I'm presuming the title refers to Rihanna wanting a good hard shag and disposing of the frivolities of foreplay. I'm disappointed that the song doesn't include some of the more obvious crap lines, such as...

"She can suck on my handbrake"
"She can waggle my gearstick"
"She can back onto this"
"I wouldn't mind pumping her petrol"
"Wouldn't mind having a look in her glove compartment"
"She can go for a ride with me"
"She can polish my rim"

Etc. Etc. Etc. All equally as crap as Rihanna's songwriters.

It's all in the same category as any suggestive shite Spears peddled and the same sort of crap as the Furtado's "Maneater". Very poor indeed, but great for paedophiles to see young kids dancing to at school discos, unbeknownst that they're dancing and gyrating away to a slag anthem.

The single is out on the 3rd of September and will no doubt go to number one. View the video here..........