Bringing The Disabled Into the 21st Century

We just don't have enough handicappers on our screens, do we? Fair play to Ironside, and kudos to Hawking, but neither really excelled in the field of entertainment. Despite Hawking and his attempts at shagging the tarts at Peter Stringfellow's club, and Ironside saving the life of a black deviant, forcing the black to drive him around in his van and wipe his arse, instead of pursuing a life of rape and burglary. These things aside, they never really did anything to represent the wheelchair bound.

Former England football manager, Glenn Hoddle, famously proclaimed that karma had came along and put sinners into wheelchairs when they were re-incarnated. Obviously this is ludicrous, not the concept, but the idea that these people suffer. I personally feel we can do a lot to turn those frowns upside down. OK, I can't think of anything to make them walk again, but we can make them more acceptable, instead of them being outcasts and freaks.

For starters, for the most part, they live in houses without stairs. Personally, I don't trust people who don't have stairs, they're either lazy or up to something. I haven't worked out what they could be up to, but I just don't trust them, bungalow dwelling weird fucks. I've got my eyes on you. Let's stick some stairs in their bungalows, turn housing estates for the handicapped into assault courses. Let's leave "No-legs" Nora at the bottom of the stairs and her chair at the top, life is all about challenges and going that extra mile. Come on, you can do it, Nora! And once you get to the top, you can have a gold medal with the words "I'm not slow, I'm special".

Secondly, they don't make any attempt to doll themselves up. I know some right dogs who scrub up well, so why can't the cart-bound? Here's an idea, stop ploughing money into buying sports rims and flash seats for their carts and get the fuckers some make-up. Obviously get someone to do it for them, like. Some of them jitter all over the place and they'd end up looking like Widow Twanky or Adam Ant. Also make it anti-smear stuff, I've seen some of them in McDonalds before, poking themselves in the eye with straws. Trust me, a mix of Coca-Cola, eye liner and Sweet Curry sauce running down the cheek is not a good look.

Third, clothing. Now come on, have you seen the state of some of the cast offs these disabled's get dressed up in. Is there really any need? There's no excuse for looking like you're modelling for SCOPE, even if the charity is supporting you. Saliva all over your chin is also not a good look, so let's sort out a nice designer bib, maybe a diamonique bib, or even one of those nice tea towels you get at tourist places, one with a picture of Blackpool Tower or something, or maybe just one of them scarf come poncho things that pop stars wear. Honest, some of the clobber they're wheeling themselves round in, thinking they're some hot piece of ass, truth be known, I've wiped my cock on nicer threads.

Fourth, dentists. I'm sorry, but I can't bear people who clearly have too many teeth in their mouths. Get the lazy little fuckers along to a half decent dentist and he'll fix them up. Maybe even give them a couple of gold ones, make them look a bit more "street". How much more respect would Hawking get? Thugz for life, word.

Fifth, school. Yes, school the bastards, man. They wonder why the fuck they can't talk properly and grunt incoherently. They haven't even been taught how to talk properly for Christ's sake, I've no idea what their parents must've been doing. Unless of course, the talk and grunts is some spastics code that I can't decipher. Actually, it'd explain why Hawking is so intelligent, I suppose. He can't talk at all, but he's still capable of chatting up lasses in "Stringfellows" with his Commodore 64.

Let's move forward, look to the future and make our wheelchair bound friends more attractive. You hardly ever read about disabled's getting raped, that's because they're so ugly, nobody would touch them, not even a rapist. Let's all work together and try and make these hideous creatures more approachable and easier on the eye. Who knows, in the future, even "No-legs" Nora could be wheeling herself down the catwalks of Milan in the latest must have trousers or cut off jeans.

Let all of our handicappers be popular and stop Hawking from stealing all of the girls, as well as the limelight.