They're In The House

A total of 93 days of my life down the tube for a summer of self obsessed cunts slagging each other off and grabbing sly wanks in the showers (boys and girls).

So we’re underway and already we’re subjected to Davina and her desperate attention seeking sycophantic bullshit. Great, you know Chris Moyles, we get it. Let me guess, you’re going to phone and text him whilst he’s on air so you can keep in the limelight? Sad pathetic cunt. And you aren’t kidding anyone with your black dress to make you look slimmer, you’d need 400 of them to make it look as if you weren’t over the hill with your horrific spunk ridden carcass and your fake personality you horrible wretched sow.

Onto the house, so there’s zero tolerance, there’s a cage for bad people, an ashtray for those who suckle at the devils little white teats, a room full of Lady Marmalade beds and a room full of Frankland Prison beds, I was hoping for a Ray Winston type to smack McCall across the bracket with a snooker ball in a sock, no such luck.

So first up we’ve got Mario and Lisa, a couple who are blatantly swingers, so guaranteed at least a threesome this year I would think. Apparently Mario looks like Joey off Friends. Hmmm, I’ll tell you who he does look like. Remember the episode of Friends were Joey had to have an identical twin to cash in on some medical experiments? And the twin looked fuck all like Joey? Well, that’s who Mario looks like, except not exactly like him, he looks like that actor if that actor had four strokes. Lisa is as false as her tits, and if her tits were as cheap as her they’ll be filled with black bin liners and paper mache.

Housemate number three is Luke, a 20 year old politics student. He looks like a cross between former Big Brother Star Preston and snooker star Graeme Dott. He seems to be wearing his father’s suit though. You know when you see fresh faced scamps going for their job interviews in their dad’s suits? Well that’s him, all he’s missing is his leather bound Record of Achievement under his emaciated arm. The suit is also reminiscent of a suit that Rodney used to regularly wear on Only Fools and Horses, except Rodney didn’t rabbit on like a market trader as this horrible twat does.

House mate four is apparently stunning?! She’s Stephanie, 19 who has a high tooth to mouth ratio. Imagine a Lesbos fest between Anneka Rice, Natasha Bedingfield, Melinda Messenger and a piece of semen soaked dog shit and you’ll be near enough to how this trench looks. Arrogant but one of those arrogant lasses who is also extremely cheap, a few glasses of cheap wine masquerading as champagne and she’ll suck you off, high class. Couldn’t be any cheaper if she tried and she’s guaranteed to get fucked like, no question about it. If I can also be Gok Wan for a second, her shoes DID NOT go with her dress.

Rachel is 24 and a trainee teacher. Years back a friend of mine slept with a lass the spitting double of her, and whilst she was sleeping after intercourse, he preceded to wipe his penis across the filters of her cigarettes. I’ll now have this image in my head every time I see her. She’s an annoying gobshite with child bearing hips. I can’t see her bearing any children in the foreseeable future as any male having to spend longer than 30 seconds in a room with her would either have to top themselves, quite literally, or beat her to death. So unless she’s prepared to squat on a pile of second hand man goo, or try and get pregnant from severe blows to the temple, I can’t see her getting in the family way.

Dale is the one who all the girls will keep voting in. A cross between previous contestant Hutton and Warren off Hollyoaks, with the personality of terminal cancer. He’s one of those “Wahey! I’m a lad” type lads who thinks he is God’s gift because he kicked a football once and likes lager. He is basically that stereotypical shit from every single pub in every single town in every single country who thinks he can fuck anyone. I will figure you out, you cunt.

The next one is Sylvia. She’s a 21 year old student who fled civil war in Sierra Leone. Seems quite rough looking and miserable to me in fairness, with her catalogue clothing and her comments that she doesn’t like her wrists – obviously a bad experience one time in bringing some Yardy off in a back lane.

Dennis, 23 is our token gay man. He’s a dance student who wants to be “accepted”, OK, OK, we’ve had all that bullshit with Nadia man, come up with something original. He will repeat “fabulous” over and over and over again, guaranteed. He’s a bit like that John Barrowman character.

Next we have Michael who is “blind”. I’m not sure, he seemed to make a few comments about peoples clothing, so maybe he’s just wearing googly eyed contact lenses. Mind, the reaction to him from the housemates upon his entrance was wonderful - looking at him as if they could catch blindness off him by talking to him and with complete disgust. Still unsure why he was wearing a wig wam, or if he was coming dressed as Lou Diamond Philips from Young Guns. So he’s one of those people who are hilarious because they get on with their disability rather than wallowing in it, disgusts me like. It’s like that lass who was on Grange Hill who couldn’t walk properly and used to dribble all over herself, now she’s a stand up comic. She’s not fucking funny, man. She can’t even string a sentence together without you getting a load of teeth and spit, and people sit there clapping like fucking seals and laughing in sympathy, boo the fucker off man, she wants to be “normal” like us, boo the fucker off, that’s what you would do to any other shit comic. Sympathy voting cunts. Anyhow, he does seem slightly funny, I’m unsure if he appreciated the patronising way he was led into the house by that lass talking to him as if he was a 4 year old, I would have stood him facing the wrong way of the entrance me like.

Alexendra is next, a 23 year old accounts executive. Thinks she’s an “It Girl”. Blah, blah blah, “ooh I had a kid when I was 16, ooh now I’ve got a job and a car”. Well fuck me. Let’s get a Nobel Prize set up for you. Can I get this right? You had a kid when you were 16 and now you’ve got a job? Well fucking hell, I’m blown away, you fucking total legend. I don’t know anyone in this world who could possibly have a kid when they were 16 and then get a job, unreal, fuck me man, you’re like a demi-God. FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING MONG. And, clean up the 5pm shadow under your arms, you’re a disgrace to your child and your profession.

Now it’s Rex, correctly predicted as an entrant by PopBitch, some fuckers been blabbing. He’s a 23 year old executive chef. I’ll tell you what he actually is, he’s a cunt. Maybe I’m jealous, but what he is, is a person who has never had to worry about a thing in his life, never had to work, because all his fuck ups and problem’s are covered by daddy’s cash. Fair play, it’s not his fault that he was born into that, but it is his fault that he’s a complete and utter twat with a Max Headroom haircut. He’s your typical spoilt London party boy, coming in the house with a pair of silver winkle pickers on, seriously mate, have a fucking word, eh?

From blind card, to race card, it’s Mohamed. Looking like a young Bill Withers, or maybe the inter breeding of Leo Sayers and John Tickle. “People call me a terrorist”. Great man, fuck off, who gives a shit about your shit fucking patter man. “I‘m a Muslim but I eat pork and drink and have sex”. Wow, you fucking rebel man. Yet another X Factor style sob story, “I fled a civil war”. God you’ve had it so tough man. How old were you? Four? It’s not as if you were in the fucking trenches you sad sack of shit. Try growing up in Thatcher’s Britain man, there’s a war for you.

Rebecca is next, I’m not even going to bother with the Vicky Pollard reference as it’s far too blatant. She’s a 21 year old nursery nurse and seemed to be wearing giant pieces of gold bullion or maybe ingots around her ears in the audition process. What an absolute pig, she’ll be absolutely gagging for some cock in there and I wouldn’t be surprised if they all got mortal and went through her and she fell pregnant and had no idea which one was the dad, so then we have a special one off Big Brother – DNA Test show. Seriously, roll this lass a tab and give her some white lightening and you can shag her. She’s one of those lasses in a bus stop who offers you a blow job for her bus fare, nice.

Darnell is a James Bond villain/henchman who also works as a songwriter. Shameless credibility alert – “I’ve been arrested at least 5 times”. Well, hang on, surely it is 5, or it’s 4 or 6, fucking hell it’s not as if they’re big numbers, you can even count on your fingers. You stupid albino cunt. Prancing around with the mannerisms of Greg Rusedski and some form of American high school jock.

Then it’s Jennifer, the Tweedy comparisons are immediate, rough Geordie lass, head strong, hates blacks (allegedly). Anyhow, regardless of her faults, I’ll have to support her due to my immense sense of regional pride, and the fact that there are just that many fucking knackers in the house.

Finally it’s a pumpkin headed fat sack of lard, Kathreya. She can’t speak English, she wears stupid Victorian clothes which have been transformed into modern day with loud colours to match her loud, cookie swilling personality. She says that her mother isn’t a whore, OK then?!? Relevance?? And for some reason she’s wearing shoes made from house bricks.

So that’s them all in now, what a bunch of freaks. Mario and Lisa now have to pretend they aren’t a couple and Mario has to pretend he’s in a relationship with Stephanie, great undercover story, which will blatantly get blown by stroke victim Mario pretending he’s 25 and mentioning every two seconds that they’re a couple, have a bit subtlety man Rocky.