Enter Stuart

A new housemate entered the house last night and replaced the cunt. He's called Stuart, he's an arrogant model and father of a small girl. He's everything that Dale has promised to be, but failed to be.

There's no two ways about it, this cat is going to be doing some humping. As soon as he walked in the door, Dale the Alpha male started cocking his leg and pissing all over the furniture to mark his territory as the new predator, who permanently looks like he's wearing mascara the weird eye cunt, surveyed the room stealthily, looking for flange and flesh.

Jennifer and Sylvia's eyes lit up like Belisha beacons and suddenly became moist. Jennifer realising that Dale is too much of a girls blouse and she wants a real man to treat her like shit, use her and violate her, whilst Sylvia soon forgot all about her "I've got a boyfriend, innit" bullshit and quickly gave Stuart a tour of the room, complete with nervous dancing and smiling.

Dennis thought his luck may well be in, thinking he was going to get some ass action, patrolling around Stuart like a vulture, getting ready to pick at his bones and go in for the kill. But regrettably for Dennis, Stuart likes to be asked if he is gay but doesn't love the cock.

It's fair to say that love rat Stuart has caused a bit of a stir. No two ways about it, the male side of the house will have a few problems with him coming in and getting all of the female attention. Whilst the women will compete for his attention. Clearly Jennifer has to decide on the choice of pissing around with Dale or getting some Stuart action, but in all fairness I think she's had her fun with Dale now, in the same way that a cat plays around with a dead bird. That's what you are, Dale. You're a dead fucking bird. You're a tiny little decapitated sparrow with your chest removed. Dale's behaviour will now get even more pathetic now as he tries to claim Jennifer for his own, metaphorically pulling at her pigtails, and making himself even more of a sad and pathetic loser.

It'll be interesting to see if there's any conflict between Sylvia and Jennifer now, as they both blatantly want cock. However, Sylvia has a boyfriend, which she was so adamant to point out when avoiding Mohamed the shoe bomber's advances. And Jennifer is already sort of with Dale, as far as Sylvia can see. So will they fight over him, or will they just have a threesome?

Either way, Stuart is just the type of cad that the house needs to stir things up. I hate him already, which is brilliant. Give it a week and he'll have Sylvia or Jennifer bent over the ashtray with their knickers pulled to the side, whilst Dennis pulls himself off in the jail, just wait and see.